


Forgiven

by BarbaLovesCarisi (CaptainAmericasShield)



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: (sort of) developing relationship, M/M, Rafael feels bad, Slightly angsty but that's what I do, Sonny is upset and rightfully so, admitting feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-09
Updated: 2019-12-09
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:34:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21729112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainAmericasShield/pseuds/BarbaLovesCarisi
Summary: When Rafael Barba shows up out of the blue after almost three years, Sonny doesn't know what to think.  He wants to be upset, but Rafael makes it almost impossible.  Rafael disappeared off the face of the earth and Sonny can't let himself forgive him that easy.  With as sincere as Rafael seems, Sonny can't help but think maybe he was deserving of his forgiveness.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 25
Collections: Barisi Holiday Exchange 2019





	Forgiven

**Author's Note:**

  * For [abogadobarba (daltonfightclub)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/daltonfightclub/gifts).



> To abogadobarba: I hope you like it!
> 
> Prompt: a reunion - Sonny and Raf seeing each other again in some novel (or commonplace) way after a few years apart, and (hopefully) getting together in the end!

Sonny sat alone at the bar. The rest of the squad had long since left. It had been a difficult trial, and the jury had eventually come back with a not guilty verdict. He had been racking his brain to come up with some idea of where he had gone wrong. Were his opening and closing statements not strong enough? Did he not ask enough questions during cross examination? Did he not walk in with a strong enough case?

“I don’t think you did anything wrong,” Kat had told him, trying to add a bit of positivity to the conversation.

Olivia had echoed what Kat said, adding that it was a tough case from the beginning, and that the not guilty verdict wasn’t his fault.

“Is anyone sitting here?” a familiar voice asked from his right. It was a voice he hadn’t heard in years. A voice he never thought he’d hear again. But why was he here? Why was he back? Why, after years of no contact, would he suddenly waltz back into his life? Why now?

“When you left, I never thought I’d see you again. You didn’t contact any of us. For all we knew, you could have been dead,” Sonny replied, looking up for a moment only to confirm it was, in fact, Rafael Barba.

“I’ve been in contact with Olivia. She told me you were here.”

Rafael sat on the empty bar stool next to Sonny and turned to face him.

“What. Did she think I needed legal advice?” Sonny spat. “Why didn’t you let anyone else know you were okay? Why didn’t you at least tell me?”

Rafael looked down. “I thought you hated me. After everything that happened, after the trial, you had no reason _not_ to hate me.”

“You couldn’t have at least said goodbye?”

“Carisi—”

“Sonny.”

“Sorry?”

“Call me Sonny.”

Rafael sighed. “Fine. Sonny, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I left without saying anything. I’m sorry I didn’t try to contact you or the rest of the squad.”

“Except Olivia,” Sonny muttered under his breath. Rafael must have read his lips because he sighed again and looked down.

“Olivia contacted me. That’s the only reason I was in contact with her.”

“You couldn’t have at least told her to let us know you were okay?”

Sonny was angry and hurt. He was angry that the one man he respected and truly cared about left without a word. He was angry that he had just shown up again out of the blue expecting to just say ‘sorry’ and that one word would make everything okay.

“Sonny, I—”

“I swear, if you say you’re sorry one more time—”

“Sonny, please listen to me. You’re not the reason I disappeared. I disappeared because I couldn’t face anyone. I couldn’t face myself. I became too emotionally involved in the case, and I screwed up, but to be honest, ‘screwed up’ is probably an understatement. I know how much you looked up to me, how much you respected me. I felt I had disappointed everyone, _especially_ you. I know ‘sorry’ won’t fix things. I know me showing up like this probably didn’t help, but when Olivia texted me and told me you were here, I decided I couldn’t hide anymore. I regret what I did. I regret leaving without saying anything. I regret not contacting you. I know ‘sorry’ won’t fix things, but I really am sorry. I don’t blame you if you choose not to forgive me, but I want you to know that I am sorry, and I do regret not contacting you.”

“You’re right. ‘Sorry’ isn’t going to fix this. Rafael, you disappeared off the face of the earth. What the hell was I supposed to think? I thought you respected me. I thought you were the only one that respected me as a lawyer, even though the rest of the squad didn’t, and they _still_ don’t, even though I’m their damn ADA.”

“I know it felt like I didn’t respect you when I left. I didn’t intend for my leaving to come across that way. I do respect you. I know you worked incredibly hard to get to where you are, and I hate that the squad doesn’t respect that. Congratulations on the move to the DA’s Office, by the way. I should have called, but I thought you’d hate me for calling after so long.”

“You’re right, you should have called. You expect to just walk back into my life and for things to go back to the way they were? That’s not how things work, Rafael.”

“I know that, Sonny. I hate seeing you so hurt. I swear I never meant to hurt you. I know me just coming back and saying sorry won’t do anything. I promise you, I do want to make it up to you. Please, just tell me what I can do. If that’s nothing, that’s fine. If you never want to see me again, that’s fine, and I completely understand.”

Sonny looked around and waived the bartender over so he could take care of the tab. “We should talk somewhere else,” he said standing up. Rafael stood and followed Sonny out of the bar.

“Anywhere you had in mind?”

“I just want to walk.”

Rafael nodded.

“How do you like being an ADA so far?”

Sonny shrugged. “It’s fine. Had a couple of hiccups at the beginning, but I think I’m starting to find my footing. Just had a difficult trial, jury didn’t come back with the verdict we were hoping for.”

“I’m sorry. I know trials like that are difficult, and I know how easy it is to blame yourself when a jury doesn’t come back the way you want it to. Trust me, it will get easier.”

“I want to believe you, but I don’t know if I can. Why should I believe you?”

Rafael sighed. “I was a prosecutor for over 20 years. I’ve had trials I thought I could get a guilty verdict in that went south fast. Believe me, I know how easy it is to blame yourself. The losses get easier to deal with, I promise.”

They walked a few more minutes in silence, then Sonny stopped and turned to face Rafael. “You asked me what you could do to make things up to me.”

“I’m listening,” Rafael said, turning to face him.

“There really isn’t anything you can do to completely make things up to me, but to be honest, I feel like I’m in over my head sometimes.”

“That’s understandable. Are you asking for legal advice?”

Sonny looked down. “I mean, if you’re willing to help,” he paused for a moment before continuing. “Listen. I’m sorry for yelling earlier, I- I just didn’t know how to react to you coming back after this long. I was hurt, I was angry.”

“Of course I’m willing to help. Anything you need, please let me know. Please don’t apologize. I don’t blame you for being hurt or angry. I deserve it. You have every right to be angry at me.”

“Rafael, I _cared_ about you. I still do. I have no idea if you felt the same way, or even if you would be in to me. I thought I had my answer when you left without saying anything, but you’re back now, and- I just don’t know anymore. It was always hard to tell with you because you are amazing at keeping your emotions under control. There’s something about you, I’m not sure what it is, whether it’s your intelligence, your compassion, or the fact that you absolutely dominate the courtroom. There’s just something about you that draws me to you.”

Rafael fell silent and looked at the ground. “Sonny, I- I had no idea you felt that way. I’ve tried to distance myself from feelings for other people. It’s a long story, but to make it short, I’ve been through several failed relationships with incredibly messy breakups, and I’ve ended up building walls to protect myself. For a long time I thought if I didn’t feel anything, I wouldn’t get hurt again. I’ll be honest, you’re the one that made me start to feel again. You’re intelligent, passionate, empathetic, you care so much about a lot of people, you always try to see the good in people. You’re a lot of things I wish I could be. You thought I didn’t care about you, you were wrong. I’ve just never been too great at showing it. Besides, I had no idea what someone as charming and enthusiastic as you would want with someone like me.”

Sonny smiled for the first time that night. “You’re charming in your own way.”

“I’m sure you’re the only person that thinks that.”

“You’re a good man, Rafael.”

Rafael smiled sadly, then scoffed. “You sure you still think I’m a good person?”

“Of course I’m sure.”

“Even after—” he paused, not wanting to talk about his last case as a prosecutor. It was still a sore spot for him.

“Even after everything that happened.”

“Why?”

“Because, although I don’t condone what you did, I understand why you did it. I don’t think you’re a bad person. I know you were only doing what you thought was best. You don’t know how relieved I was when they read the not guilty verdict. When Olivia told us you had resigned and had just left, I was worried. I tried calling but you never answered. I just assumed the worst, but never gave up hope that _someday_ I’d find you again. No one deserves to go through life alone, Rafael, especially not you.”

“For the longest time, I thought I would end up completely alone, that no one would ever care about me. Obviously besides my mother. She is an absolute saint, and I’m so grateful for her.”

“I care about you, Rafael, I really do. _If_ you’re interested—” Sonny paused. He wanted to ask Rafael about a relationship, but he was nervous about how it would affect their friendship.

“Are you asking me out, Counselor?”

“You’re good.”

Rafael smiled. “I’ve gotten good at reading people, Sonny. It comes with the job.”

“That’s impressive. And to answer your question, yes I am. That is, if that’s okay with you. If not, that’s completely fine, I- I just thought I’d ask.”

“If you’ll have me. I do have to warn you though, I tend to push people away. It’s not intentional, I promise, I just- I’ve learned to protect myself from pain, and this is how I do it.”

“Rafael, that’s okay. Whatever makes you comfortable. You said you’ve had several failed relationships with pretty messy breakups. We can take this as slow as you want to. Also, I don’t think I’ve said this yet, but I do forgive you.”

“I- thank you, Sonny. I really appreciate that. I don’t deserve your forgiveness.”

Sonny laughed. “If we’re going to start dating, you can call me Dominick if you want to. I know you don’t think you deserve my forgiveness, but you should know, it’s really difficult to not forgive you.”

“Are you sure about me calling you Dominick?”

“Of course I’m sure, Rafael. To be honest, I thought about this a lot before you left.”

“About dating?”

“Maybe.”

“You’re a good person, Dominick, I hope you know that.”

“I try,” Sonny said with a laugh.

“I’m serious. You’ve forgiven me, you’re willing to give me a second chance when I know very few people would.”

“I believe in forgiveness. Obviously not all people deserve to be forgiven, but you do, Rafael. I know a lot of people don’t blame you for what you did,” Sonny paused. He could tell the conversation was starting to make Rafael a little uneasy. “Listen, I know this is a difficult thing for you to talk about. Why don’t we change the subject.”

“Probably not the worst idea.”

“You busy tomorrow night?”

“I rarely have plans, so I doubt I have any tomorrow night.”

“We should get dinner. I know a couple of good places around if you’re interested.”

“I trust your judgment.”

“I’d hope so,” Sonny said with a soft laugh.

“Let me know the time and place and I’ll be there.”

“I love you, Rafael Barba. I have for a while, I just haven’t had the courage to say anything. I didn’t know how you’d react, I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, I- Sorry, I’m rambling again.”

Rafael froze. He felt the same way, but was terrified of having his heart shattered. Again. “I- I feel the same way, Dominick. I’m sorry, it’s just- it’s hard for me to say something like that, at least right now. I’ve only ever associated love with pain, and I feel like every time I’ve said it in a relationship, it’s just ended in heartbreak for me. I-”

“Rafael, don’t worry about it, alright? Like I said, you don’t have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. If you’re not comfortable saying I love you, that’s okay. All I want is you to be happy. All I want is for you to feel loved.”

“No one has ever said that to me. Out of all of the relationships I’ve been in, no one has been kind enough to make sure I was happy.”

“Those people never deserved you. You deserve someone who will take care of you, someone who will make sure you’re happy and make sure you’re okay.”

“I’m sure I don’t deserve you. I don’t think I deserve your kindness or your forgiveness.”

“Rafael, can I kiss you?”

Rafael nodded slowly. Sonny was the one that closed the gap between them and put his hands on the sides of Rafael’s face, pressing their lips together. Rafael tensed at first, it had been a long time since he’d kissed anyone, but quickly relaxed. He was nervous, but trusted Sonny entirely.

They separated only to take a breath, at which point, Sonny pressed his forehead to Rafael’s and wrapped his arms around him.

“Dominick, I—”

“I love you, Rafael.”

Rafael could only nod. Those three words _I love you_ . Even though he’d only ever associated love with pain, there was something in the way Sonny said it that made him think he truly did care. He was still cautious, but the fact Sonny said he loved him, and the fact that he _forgave_ him made him think that maybe, just maybe, this would work, and he could finally associate love with happiness instead of heartbreak and pain. 

One thing was certain of, was that Sonny, the one person he wanted to forgive him for dropping contact for so long, was able to get his hurt and anger off his chest, push it aside and _forgive him_. They had each other in their lives again, and that was all that mattered.


End file.
